


Nothing is okay

by VirtualHearts



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Hurt, Lets see how the show fixes it, M/M, Malec, Understanding, immortality issue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-19
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2019-04-24 21:45:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14364336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VirtualHearts/pseuds/VirtualHearts
Summary: I tried to capture how alec feels and how magnus feels about the immortality issue and how they can come to understand eachother.Also au where jace is a good parabatai.





	Nothing is okay

**Author's Note:**

> I know alec is being a little petty and magnus is being a little cold but couples fight and this was their biggest issue in the books and it wasnt handled well so I'm gonna be angsty about it. Also its short and I didnt check for typos lmao but pls be nice.

Alec woke up in the cold darkness that was the institute, thinking of the fight he'd had with magnus the day before. To say he felt guilty was an understatement, but unfortunately that didnt mean he wanted to take it back. He still felt uneasy, and though he didnt want to put any of this on magnus, he couldn't bring himself to act like he was fine, he just felt too empty to smile. 

He got up, and got dressed, walking to his office slower than was necessary. Tired from not sleeping. He didn't sleep well without magnus, but he didn't have the courage to face him again. Not yet.

He tried to push magnus out of his mind and tend to his duties at the institute. For several hours it actually worked, he signed papers, authorized missions, spoke to shadowhunters as they came through, giving them his full attention until he had no more distractions. He sat alone on a couch in his office, forced to think of the one thing he wished he could just let go.

\----

When jace entered the room he instantly knew something was wrong with his parabatai. Not just by the sinking feeling he couldn't ignore through the bond, but how tired and defeated his brother looked.

"Alec? You alright?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

Jace approached carefully and sat in the chair in front of alec.  
"I can feel what you feel, you know. There's been a cloud of intense sadness looming over me today."

Jace had been trying to joke with him but alec just looked even more down.

"I'm sorry. I didn't want to bother anyone else. I can't really stop the bond." 

"Don't be sorry, let me help."

Alec looked him straight in the eye, like he was deciding if he should the truth or tell jace he was too busy for this. 

"It's nothing. Really."

"I'm not leaving. I'm gonna wander around your office and mess with your things till you get so annoyed you'll do anything to get me to leave. Which is, tell me what's wrong. So let's just skip to the end."

He didn't even know where to start. With him snooping through magnus' private things? He started this. He doesn't have a right to feel this way.

"I'm worried that my relationship doesnt mean anything. To him."

Jace looked shocked and alec bit his lip, feeling instantly guilty for even saying it. Was it a lie though?

"Alec...how can you...?"

"I did something bad. I know it was bad but I think karma kinda got me for it...I looked through something of magnus'. It was a box with little keepsakes from people he's known. People who..passed..because they were mortal and magnus isnt and...." Alec looked away, trying not to cry in front of jace.  
"I just thought one day, best case, something of mine goes in that box. Which I guess is kind of sweet but...it made me realize I'm gonna be just another random memory to the most important person in my life."

When he couldn't hold his breath any longer, tears streamed down alec's face and jace got up and moved to the couch beside him.

"This is it, this is my life, he's my life. I only get one. For him, I'm just...another momento in a box. I don't know if I can live with that."

Jace wrapped an arm around his brother's shoulders. Alec knew he didnt know what to say.

"Have you tried talking Magnus about it?" he asked awkwardly

"He said I was acting like a child. Which I know is true. But I cant stop spiraling, I cant let it go. I literally just..cant. Even seeing him makes me sad. That's not how I'm supposed to feel. I know it isnt his fault and its not fair to do this to him but just cant stop thinking."

An intense look overtook jace's face surprising alec when he made eye contact.

"You can't really believe this means nothing. Think about it, Magnus has lived a long time. He doesnt just lose people and move on. It hurts him. Devastates him. I cant even imagine living the years he has. Alec, I can tell from a 2 minute conversation how much he loves you. How deeply he cares for those he loves. He's probably terrified of losing you," he paused and lowered his voice, "Because you mean something to him."

 

Alec didnt speak. He didn't look at jace again. He just stared straight ahead and bit the inside of his cheek, deep in thought.

"You're right I should be having this conversation with him."

Jace nodded and took the hint, exiting the room.

\----------

Alec knocked softly on the door of magnus' loft, bouncing in his heels anxiously. The door flew open suddenly after only 2 knocks, but no one was on the other side. He walked in cautiously, closing the door quietly behind him, his heart filling with dread.

Magnus was in the living room, a drink in hand, staring at the tv. Which was off. Alec approached with slow strides until magnus saw him.

"You don't have to knock." he said softly.

"I was just giving you the chance to not let me in. Figured you might want it."

They sat in silence for a few moments. Magnus didn't take his eyes off the black tv screen. When it became clear he wasnt going to say anything, Alec spoke again.

"I'm sorry. Really. I did something wrong and then blamed you for something you cant change."

Magnus finally made eye contact.

"It hurts me too you know. Really, I'm the one who has to live with this. Forever."

Alec's eyes filled with tears. "I know. I don't want to hurt you."

Magnus stared blankly at his lover as if assessing him. They were both sad and tired. Starting another fight at nearly midnight would only ruin them both.

"You look exhausted. Let's just go to bed. There's no point in doing this again. We know how it ends."

Magnus still spoke low and cold. Alec followed him to the bedroom through every dim light in the loft knowing this was far from over.  
Nothing was alright.


End file.
